Selling Candy

Many women turn to sales as a means of making money and gaining some independence once the children are grown. This takes many forms – real estate, makeup, nutritional products, retail sales, and policies of all varieties . . .

I ate my breakfast at a Cracker Barrel in Mount Sterling, Kentucky, and saw from a few tables over a woman in her mid-sixties who had taken on such a role – she spoke to a like-aged couple across the table over a hearty breakfast of ham, sausage, coffee, eggs, grits and sawmill gravy. Great stacks of papers and brochures were spread out before her as she approached this couple with her goods – “The cost will be right at 6,000 dollars for the two of you,” was the first thing I heard her say, and it was the way she said do-oll-ars, with more syllables that it really has, that caught my attention and made me think about the importance of selling once a woman gets older and it’s too late to go back to school. I thought she might be peddling a trip overseas, because of the brochures, and I listened up to hear what exciting place they were going for such a grand fee. But I could never hear more than an essential word or key phrase during our breakfast because of the commotion of coffee cups and busboys and children eating pancakes, demanding more syrup and such.

The saleswoman wore a zebra patterned topper/knit jacket sort of thing, striped yardage that generously covered her solid black pants and a black top beneath. There were many chains of gold around her thick neck and her hair was coiffed up big atop her large head, frosted blonde and streaked with other stripes of varying shades. She had large gold hoop earrings and a big powdery jowl that jiggled when she proposed her point or changed pages for the couple to see differing views. She wore those half moon kind of glasses that fell down low on her nose so she never had to actually look the couple directly in the eyes but rather dodged them repeatedly from either below or above her glasses. Her arms were spread out wide on the table because of all the girth between, and her fingers were fat and waxy looking, strangled by big star-shaped rings that flaunted colored jewels and maybe diamonds. The finger nails were thick like horses’ hooves, painted bright pink and trimmed to a squarish angle. I thought of the limestone imbued Kentucky water that is attributed for strong bones in both horses and people in the Kentucky region – limestone, the same reason, by the way, that grass is blue and real bourbon can be brewed only in Kentucky. Those thick jousting fingernails pointed to clauses in the papers, lines that were to be signed, and they made a scratchy noise on the paper . . .

“But if you buy in the summer . . . “ I heard her say when the couple flinched and tightened their lips on hearing the first figure of 6,000 dollars. I began to wonder, what destination might cost less in the summer months? But I could think of nothing reasonable.

I heard the word Medicare come up in between children yelling, and later the word deductible, so I began to doubt the couple’s travel plans and instead thought they were planning for some kind of nursing care – or an insurance policy – or maybe cemetery plots? But why were the summer months cheaper?

The saleswoman was patient and “on their side,” because at one point she said, “Oh no, you shouldn’t have to pay for that . . . my package includes . . . ” and she shook her jowl definitively. She had the art of being serious and trusty about certain points, but she could punctuate her seriousness with friendly laughter when appropriate. The wife leaned over to confide something to the saleswoman, and the saleswoman leaned closer too, and the husband backed his chair away to gain the attention of a waitress with a coffee pot. The two women were becoming friends it appeared.

“Well, tell me then, how much are you willing to pay? I can write this up any way you like,“ the saleswoman said in a voice that grew suddenly loud and businesslike.

Someone in the kitchen dropped a full tray of dirty coffee cups and our entire non-smoking section voiced, “Ohhh . . . “ -- and so I never heard the couple’s reply.

The man rocked back on his chair and entwined his fingers behind his head, letting his elbows branch out to either side of his head – like a man who has been arrested and told not to move. But in this case, he rocked back and forth in the chair, removing himself from the interaction but at the same time giving in to it.

After rocking a few minutes, he excused himself to go pay the check for the table of three. I had already lingered long enough to imbibe a third cup of coffee when really one is plenty for me, so I figured it was my time to go as well. I made a point of walking past the table of business, just to see what the woman was selling – but spread across the papers was an open checkbook which the wife had pulled out of her purse. I saw those fat waxy fingers, pink lacquered nails, and glittering rings – they thrust forth a pen. Perfume wafted over the smell of sausage and bacon. I wanted to chase after the husband, “No, go back, don’t let her do it!”

It wasn’t intentional, but I found myself standing behind the man as he paid the check. I wanted him to hurry so he could get back before his wife finished writing the check. But the woman behind the counter wouldn’t leave well enough alone. “Would you like some candy bars, sir, we’re having a two-for-two sale today,” she said. (If you buy two you get two for free? I think that’s what it means.) He shook his head demurely as he folded his wallet to hide it away from one last intrusion – and this is where someone might suspect, but not really know as I knew, that something was on the man’s mind – he said, “I don’t know how you women do it. I couldn’t sell a thing if my life depended on it.”

She said kindly, “Sir, I’m not selling candy, I’m just offering it to you.”

Hobo Bags

My self-education in the stock market comes at a time when there is no winning that can’t be snatched away like a red cape from the bull’s pathway. Each time the caboodle goes up, it comes down too – as though not one stock could think independently, but rather must follow the herd. Either all arrows are red, or all arrows are green. We all go up, we all go down. The vicissitudes of the market, as the saying goes.

I’m really tired of watching things go up and down – while never funding what I really want, which is a trip to somewhere I’ve never been. What use are those graphs in vivid movement if I never leave the house? I stay put, a graph in flat line.

The end of summer – and August, my least favorite of all the months. August is when tolerance is pushed past the limit, when nothing more can be done for summer and nothing much can be started for fall. It’s a seedy month – when all the flowering has been done, but the dead and drying leaves refuse to let go. It’s a time of suspension – in the air, in our actions, even in the way the insects drone without end. I walk outside at night or early in the morning, hear those herds of cicada that can’t be seen, and I think, they are flat lined too. Waiting.

I won’t be able to tolerate seeing that movie that promises to be all the rage – “Eat, Pray, Love.” I won’t even read the book. All I know is that it’s about a woman who takes off from the responsibilities of life for one year to travel the world and experience Life. She divides her year between three countries, Italy, India, and Indonesia. It’s a spiritual quest too. And of course she falls in love at the end. It is written in part or in whole from the real life experience of the author. She came home to write the book, and it was an instant success.

Yesterday, while waiting to get my hair trimmed, I flipped through a magazine and saw a page of “gear” that we must own now that the movie is coming out – it’s called “The Eat, Pray, Love image.” For example, there is a canvas striped hobo bag that you could buy for $190; a blue chambray shirt with a nehru neckline, $112; bright pink canvas espadrilles for walking the markets of New Delhi and tasting new delights from the hands of another – at $100 or so. It’s the gear, the look, the lifestyle – though few of us could replicate the Julia Roberts toothy grin and thick hair that piles atop her head in Bohemian fashion. We should all run out to adopt the look of the middle aged woman (who doesn’t look middle aged) who has fortuitously taken a year to travel the world and experience all that few of us can even imagine.

Women at middle age, realizing that they have maybe 20 years left before they are immobile or at least compromised – they wake from the instinct of giving life to others and they crave to experience life for themselves. They want to have Fun, as our contemporary Cyndi Lauper told us when we were young – that is, we want to travel, eat foods we have not cooked ourselves, see people and places for no good reason other than to experience Life. Women are the natural born keepers of life – which is why they give birth – and, after childbearing years are done, they still have the impulse to live life which is really just the continuum of giving life.  That’s why the marketeers think they can peddle this book and movie to us, that we'll latch onto it like life itself.  It’s odd, however, that in the course of my own “travels” – to the bank, grocery store, yoga class – I’ve heard women say, “No, I don’t want to see that movie, “ or, “I can’t bear to see that.” One woman said, “I got to New Delhi with her and I tossed the book in the trash.” I think most women know the difference between real Life and the improbable one that is sold on the screen or in a book. The first question everyone has is, how'd she get the money? This particular subject of wanting to experience our lives while still mobile is too treasured and touchy for most of us to face in facsimile form.

I looked for a long time at that striped hobo bag in the magazine, knowing I had one similar to that (for much less money) when my children were young and diapers were kept there. And the blue chambray shirt – to this day I call it my uniform -- I had several.  Julia Roberts is smiling . . . that familiar hobo bag slung o'er her blue shoulder . . . you too can have this life, she seems to say.

I think most women by the August of their lives know the difference between marketing, the stock market, and the markets of New Delhi.  Let the real one stand up.